Self-Care for Carers

Raising a child with a disability can be incredibly stressful. It is well known that chronic stress can cause many health issues, ranging from sleeping difficulties, chronic anxiety, clinical depression and a weakened immune system. While anything medical should be seen to by a doctor, it is also important to look at your life holistically and practice some self-care when you can.

For example:

Taking at least one hour of time to yourself a week to do things you enjoy – get a massage, read a book, watch a show/movie,
Incorporating a short practice of mindfulness into your daily routine – Box Breathing can help reduce stress and calm feelings of anxiety.

Mapping out your network of support so you know who to call upon when you’re in need of some assistance
Engaging in a practice of self-reflective journaling

School Refusal

Should we force a child to go to school?

In short, no. Working together with your child and addressing the reasons they don’t want to go to school should be the priority. It is important that they feel safe and that their well-being is important to you.

It is recommended that a dialogue is opened with the child. Questions should be asked so you can get to the core reason that school refusal is taking place.

Possible questions:

If you could change one thing about your school, what would it be?
Is there anyone bothering you at school?
How can I help you with school?
Are you worried about anything at school?
How are your friendships at school going?
Is anything worrying you in general?
Is there anything you wish your teachers knew?
Is there anything you wish I knew?

Strategies for dealing with school refusal:

Stay calm – This leaves space for your child to come to you in a calm way themselves.
Use positive language – For example, instead of ‘are you going to get up and go to school today?’ try ‘what shall we do after school today?’.
Debrief daily – Open the lines of communication for your chid to share what might be bothering them.

School refusal can be very complex:

Get professional guidance – starting with school staff. Speak to the class teacher, school counsellor, student services so you can work together as a team to help your child overcome their anxiety.
Speak to your doctor/paediatrician and get the support of a psychologist or counsellor who may also help to unlock why your child is not attending school and help address the problem of getting them back to school with their well-being in mind.

CHIME – A Framework for mental health recovery

Connection

Contact with peers

Good relationships

Support from others

Being part of the community

Hope

Optimism about the future

Believing in health

Feeling motivated

Positive thinking

Having dreams and aspirations

Identity

Having a positive sense of yourself

Feeling able to be yourself

Dealing with stigma

Seeing the whole person

Meaning

Making sense of your experiences

Knowing what’s important to you

Having purpose

Understanding your world

Feeling valued

Empowerment

Being responsible for your own wellbeing

Feeling capable

Being able to see your strengths

Learning by doing

Anxiety Strategies & Techniques – (3-3-3)

I will be writing a series about some simple techniques which could help children and adults with triggered anxiety to help manage their symptoms. (Please note that severe anxiety which is impacting significantly on a person’s life may need the intervention of medical professionals and trained therapists).

The 3-3-3 technique is a wonderful tool to use with children as it is easy for them to remember. The objective is for them to feel more mindful, focused and grounded when their anxiety is starting to feel overwhelming.

3-3-3 involves the person identifying 3 objects around them they can see, 3 things that they can hear and moving 3 body parts (ie their fingers, wrists and toes). It works to reconnect the person with their physical surroundings and become aware of their body movements instead of their symptoms of anxiety like intrusive thoughts. Some steps from Choosing Therapy:

Step 1: Focus on 3 Objects You Can See

Focusing on things that you can see helps you become visually aware of your surroundings. You can notice big objects such as a tree or a chair, or you can look for smaller, more discreet objects such as a pencil or a coin. The idea isn’t necessarily to have objects in mind that you want to see, but rather to focus on the world around you. This helps you deal with your anxiety by removing you from the mental chatter causing you stress.

Step 2: Focus on 3 Things You Can Hear

Pinpointing sounds is another great way to help you deal with anxiety. Diverting your attention to your environment can help you transition from a state of inward thinking to one in which you’re connected to your surroundings instead. However, depending on your location, you may have a hard time isolating sounds. Some things to listen for include a clock ticking, clacking of keys on a keyboard, or someone sniffling. If you are somewhere outdoors, you may notice leaves rustling in the wind, cars passing by, or dogs barking.

Step 3: Focus on 3 Things You Can Touch/Move

Lastly, find three things that you can touch or move. These can be within your reach or even parts of your body. Identifying tangible items is one of the fastest ways to ground yourself when you’re feeling anxious. Teaching yourself to focus on the physical environment helps you feel anchored and reminds you to be present.

Calming Sensory Strategies

Here are some simple yet effective calming strategies to help your kids regulate when overwhelmed:

Music Playing gentle music is soothing and allows the brain to fall back into a gentle pattern.

Other Sounds Waterfalls, soft drumming, nature sounds – try finding them on YouTube.

Lighting Soft lighting – fairy or dimmable night lights.

Mindful Colouring or reading.

Connect with Nature Go for a walk, create a treasure hunt and collect different objects you find or play a game of ISpy.

A mindful walk Listening to the sounds around you, looking at colours, taking in the different smells.

Playing with balloons Keep the balloon off the ground but have them move slowly and gently.

Texture bag Place several small objects in a bag. Have your child reach in and touch an object, one at a time, and describe what they are touching.

Helping Special Needs Parents

Caring for a child with special needs is challenging. It can also be thankless, relentless and make parents feel invisible within their friendship groups and families.

The best way to support carers is by making them feel like they are not alone in their struggles. Joining groups that are designed with carers in mind is a good option. I am a big advocate of Carers SA, soon to become the Carer Gateway in April 2020. However, not everyone wants to be a part of a group situation, preferring 1-1 support and familiar people only.

It is important to provide carers with choices about the type of support they need. It might be a peer support group, 1-1 counselling, carer outings or simply family and friend gatherings in supportive environments.

Providing a safe environment for the carer and the person they are caring for will be greatly appreciated and may work to ease the social isolation that many carers feel in their role. Planning inclusive events may require a little extra effort but asking questions of the carer about what would make it a more successful event for them, will go a long way in helping them feel enjoyment and a sense of belonging.

Here are some other practical ways you can help special needs parents.

Music

Listening and playing music has many benefits for our wellbeing, physical health and emotional regulation. It can keep us feeling happy, motivated and ease symptoms of depression.

While the above graphic references classical music, there is power in all types of music if it is enjoyed. Teenagers and small children are often drawn to and enjoy listening to music through YouTube, television, movies and gaming. And while the mode of sharing music is mostly digital or online in the modern world, it is possible to access the classics from previous generations if this is what you enjoy.

It is important to find music that you enjoy and a good place to find new music is to look on the current charts, take note of music you hear in the shows you like and look up songs and albums written and performed by the same artists. You can do this for free on platforms such as YouTube and Spotify. Add some headphones (noise cancelling if you want to remove environmental noise distractions), get listening and enjoy the benefits.

Be Grateful For What You Have

A short video powerfully depicting the importance of being grateful and mindful for what you have in life.

A little thing you can do to practice gratefulness is to keep a journal and write a point or two each day about the things you were grateful for. It could be as simple as a chat with a friend that made you feel special, a goodnight kiss from your child or a delicious cup of coffee that you didn’t have to make yourself. You will be surprised at how many beautiful moments we overlook each day. Take the time to remember and cherish them. If you wrote 2 each day, there would be 730 happy memories to be grateful for and mindful of each year.

We Go Together

Finding and maintaining friendships can be difficult for many people but when you are a carer, it can feel impossible to find people who you truly connect with.

If you don’t have many friends, joining interest clubs such as a camera club, carer groups and activities, school events and online communities are some ways that you can find others who have similar interests as you.

Taking the time to build positive friendship connections increases your sense of well-being and gives you a wider world view. And by regularly talking to others, it can help reduce overall feelings of loneliness and isolation.

It is really important that when you find those connections with others that you take the time to nurture those people and share your highlights and lowlights equally. Make the time to listen to one another, have a laugh and support each other not only in the sad times but also in your endeavours and dreams.

People who are truly happy are out and about living life, enjoying their passions, doing good work and being good people. Chase your own passions and follow your own path. You will be amazed at who you find when your paths eventually cross. You will find those special people who ‘go together’ with you, who make you smile, who inspire you to do what you love and who believe in you, even when you struggle to believe in yourself.

Sleep Deprivation

To adequately take care of others, we must take care of ourselves and this starts with getting enough sleep and rest. If like many carers, you find it difficult to get to sleep and stay asleep, you are likely suffering from sleep deprivation and feeling lousy as a result. The reasons for sleep deprivation can be caused by disrupted sleep from the person we are caring for to finding sleep difficult because of ongoing stress and anxiety.

For each person, finding what relaxes us is the most important thing. While in the list below, number 2 can be a cause of sleeplessness in some, for others it may provide a valuable tool to quieten an overactive mind. Streaming services such as Netflix provide easy and advertisement free entertainment in the comfort of your own home. This is particularly attractive if you are restricted from going out because of your caring role.

Keeping an appreciation, worries, or to do journal can also help those who have an overactive mind, jotting down things that need to be done and things you are grateful for can prove helpful to rest your mind in the evening. Others techniques may include the use of mindfulness and meditation, listening to the radio and music, reading books and magazines or playing solo games on apps like Wordscapes, Happy Color and 4 Pics 1 Word.

It is worth taking some the time to find out what works for you and creating a routine that helps you reset for the next day.

10 Ways To Improve Your Sleep:

Create a restful environment – A dark, quiet and cool bedroom signals to your brain it’s time to wind down.
Limit screen time – Avoid iPads, mobiles, laptops and television at least one hour before bed. They emit blue light which the brain perceives as daylight. (i-devices have a night shift mode which alters the colours of your display after dark also).
Establish a bedtime routine – Doing a calming activity an hour before bedtime trains the brain to know when it’s time for bed. Try a warm bath or shower, light stretches or reading a book by soft light. Avoid anything stressful. If something is on your mind, jot it down.
Ditch the stimulants – Avoid caffeine, nicotine and alcohol at least six hours before bedtime as they accelerate the heart rate and blood pressure.
Don’t count sheep – If after twenty minutes in bed, you’re struggling to fall asleep, go to another room and do something relaxing for half an hour. Remember to dim the lights and avoid screens.
Consistent sleep and wake times – Try to wake up and go to bed as close to the same time each day as possible, even on the weekends.
Keep evening meals light – Heavy, spicy, acidic or fatty foods within two hours of bedtime can trigger or aggravate indigestion, acid reflux and heart burn. If you are hungry, snack on yoghurt, nuts or a banana.
Time your exercise right – As little as 10 minutes of daily cardio can increase the amount of deep, restorative stages of sleep. Avoid strenuous activity at least two hours before bedtime.
Balance fluid intake – Hydration is important. Too little and you’ll wake through the night thirsty and too much, you’ll be disrupted by the urge to go to the bathroom. Remember to empty your bladder one last time before bed to avoid being woken up.
Let there be light – Adequate sunlight exposure helps us stay in tune with natural day-night rhythms connected to our internal body clock. The light will help to wake you up and maintain energy levels.

Adapted from ‘The Hidden Risks of Sleep Deprivation’ Carer News 2019 Edition 2